I don't do snakes. *Updated*

Text from my bff: There is a f***ing snake under my front porch!

Me: OMG did you kill it??

Immediately receive phone call from bff:

BFF: There is a snake under my porch. I will NOT go back to that house until it's gone. Do you understand???

Me: What kind of snake is it?

BFF: I don't know. Black and yellow. I called my dad and told him I was moving in with him if it isn't killed. It's 3 feet long. It's as tall as me!!!

Me: (giggling by this point) You're a little taller than 3 feet. Ya know, waiting on it to come out isn't going to work.

BFF: You are the country girl. You need to go kill it.

Me: I don't do snakes.

BFF: You  have a giant for a son...take him over there. Kill it with a shot gun, dynamite, I don't care. It has to be killed. I think we just need to blow the house up and start over.

Me: No. We've done too much work to your house this past year. You are not blowing it up.

BFF: Someone has to check my tanning room. I need to tan and I KNOW that snake is waiting in the Christmas tree for me and it's going to jump out on me.

Me: Ok.. I'll check your tanning room.

By this time, I am googling what kind of snake it might be, even though I have no idea what it actually looks like.

Text to BFF: Mom and I think maybe a garter snake. They are not poisonous.

BFF: AND THAT MEANS WHAT TO ME??? IT IS STILL A DAMN SNAKE! THE ONLY GOOD ONES ARE DEAD.

So, I will load up my hoe and shovel and head to the precious' house this evening to see if I can find this snake. Wish me luck! (Oh, and I'll update later. Assuming we haven't blown up the house or gotten killed by a snake.)

Update:  No... we did not find the snake. I did numerous sweeps of the premises, including inside the garage and tanning room... I shook the Christmas tree. And then had two man-children do a thorough sweep as well. I'm pretty sure it moved on to a new porch.